Series: Advanced Masochism #3
Category: Lex, Lana, Clark/Lex preslash, humor, AU
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up through Craving, technically
Summary: In which Lex participates in surreal conversation. Borders on sillyfic.
Author Notes: I am not bashing Lana. Lex is. Very different thing. And he shouldn't, because character bashing, I've been told, is very, very bad. And this is so AU and self indulgent I should be ashamed of myself. But I'm not.
Dedication: To Bethy, who told me it was just fine. Blame HER. *g*
Archiving: SSA
Disclaimer: Smallville to its owners, the novel mentioned to its owners. And so forth. They are not me. Notice my sheer lack of enthusiasm for this situation.
Feedback: Like Bencheley apricot tea, I'm known to go into ecstatic convulsions at the appearance of. Trust me, the tea is excellent.
by jenn
"Lex!"
This was definitely reason number one why he should be doing his office work *in* his office. Sighing, Lex looked down at the spreadsheets and the neat list of union leaders he needed to buy off this month. The budget was getting tight, that was for certain.
Taking a breath, Lex tried on a quick smile and threw it out. He could be charming. Even to her. "Lana. How are you?"
Lana Lang. Bouncing across the coffee shop in one of those inexplicable euphoric moods that only teenagers and ecstasy addicts ever seemed to possess, wearing a bright smile that seemed just a little *too* energetic for eight at night. Shouldn't she be in bed or mooning over some sort of current superstar with virginal vigor, like all wholesome Kansas farmgirls?
"Fine." Her backpack was dropped by the chair before she slid into the seat across from him, glancing up as a waitress materialized beside her as if ordered to be on time by God Himself. Lex never got service this good. "Hey, Mandy. Can you get me an espresso?"
Espresso at eight at night. Lex leaned back and contemplated the girl in front of him. Maybe this was farmgirl rebellion.
"Where's your other half?"
Now why would *that* make her shift suddenly? The painfully bright smile didn't change, though, and he wondered idly if her mouth was beginning to hurt from the strain of holding that expression.
"Whitney?" Well, yes, Lana. What are you hiding? "He's--around. You know, with the guys or something. I had some studying to do, and I needed to get out of the house for awhile. Just--" She waved a slim hand in the air that was probably attempting to look casual and instead seemed to be swatting at large, invisible flies. "Get away from stuff."
Fair enough. Lex glanced down at his watch and set the timer as the waitress returned, placing the tiny cup by Lana's elbow. Lex watched, a little bemused, as Lana threw back her espresso like an alcoholic taking a shot--an abuse of coffee if he ever saw it--and ordered another in a breathless voice.
"You don't mind if I join you, do you?" Big eyes looked at him with transparent worry, so why was instinct suddenly awakening in suspicion? "I didn't mean to barge in or anything." Her gaze took in the papers scattered in front of him. Oh, she was a perceptive one.
Lex was getting a headache. He resisted the urge to rub his temples. That just wasn't very Luthorish.
"Not at all." Look up, Lana, there's sarcasm flying right over your head. If possible, her smile widened and Lex thought he saw her tonsils. He glanced down at his watch. Two minutes. He'd give it thirty more seconds. "Homework?"
Lana nodded, pushing dark hair back from her face as she reached down for her backpack and took out a slim folder. Written all over in girly-purple cursive, so very high school. She tossed out another frighteningly large smile that revealed she had an enormous number of teeth. Possibly more than existed in any other human mouth and Lex fought the urge to ask to examine just from scientific curiosity. Perhaps another weird Smallville mutation.
"English Lit."
"I liked that class." Lex had fond memories of his English professor. Especially the time involving whipped cream and handcuffs on the very large, ornate desk with all the interesting handholds. "What are you studying?" Taking a drink from his cappuccino, Lex glanced down at the myriad papers in front of him. He really should be working on this. He had union representatives to persuade.
"Lolita."
He'd need a new list. The cappuccino was already running the ink.
"Oh, are you okay?" Napkins were thrust under his nose, and Lex took one, catching a brief glance of Lana's face. She looked concerned. She also looked smug. Wiping his mouth, Lex carefully folded the ruined papers around the napkin.
"Fine. Why are you--"
"Hi!"
Lex's head whipped up and around to watch Clark materialize at the edge of the table with breathless enthusiasm, energy shining around him like a halo. Wonderful look for him. Lex took a look at his watch. Yes, two minutes forty seconds. Not a record, but close. Idly, Lex wondered if the extra time was Clark working his courage up.
"Hey, Clark! Sit down." Lana reached across, pushing out the chair between her and Lex, and Lex realized he was crumpling the papers in one fist. Well, they were lost causes anyway. "What are you doing out so late?"
Lex almost laughed at the innocent question. Clark flushed--beautiful that, and made the entire night worth it. He'd have to consider spending more time with Lana. Hiding a smirk, he tucked the ruined papers onto a spare chair and leaned back, ready to watch the show.
"I had--some errands to run in town." Correctly translated, Clark had been lurking around Lana to see where she went, and ran her to earth here. He had to give the boy credit--he was determined as hell. He had a future as a private detective, if he managed to keep out of prison or a mental ward that long. "You?"
"Report for English class." Significant tap to her notebook with one slim finger. Clark followed her hands as if they had the secret to world peace written into the skin somewhere. "I need to finish up the rest this week."
Clark looked blank. Similar to deer in headlights, but Clark made that look sexy. Oh hell, Clark could make vomiting sexy. Lex, you need to leave now. No reason to put yourself through this.
"But--I thought we finished--?"
Lana smiled wide enough to light up a room and remind the world of the advantages of good dentistry. Clark melted into his seat. Lex wondered if there were assassins in Smallville. This was it--all work in the damn office from now on. He might be encouraging this, but that didn't mean he had to put up with longing glances right under his nose.
"Extra credit."
"Oh." Clark mused on that. "What book?"
Lana ducked under the table, emerging with a battered paperback, and once again, Lex was struck by the idea that a high school freshman was doing a paper over a book that was banned in at least sixteen states. Frankly, he was surprised the book was even *in* a Kansas school library.
"Lolita?" Clark said, taking it from her gingerly and turning it over. "I didn't know--"
"It's fascinating," Lana said with a nod, and why was it that Lana had just tossed a glance at Lex? Lex straightened, trying to look interested. Which, actually, he was. "Have you read it?"
Actually....
Lex cleared his throat. "Yes, in college."
"It's pretty good, isn't it?"
Lana just didn't seem the type to go in for the subversive. Espresso, late nights, weird conversation, now banned books. Apparently, whatever it was in Smallville that turned people odd was getting to the girl. Other than the tooth issue.
"I enjoyed it." Lex darted a glance at Clark, who was idly thumbing through the pages with absorbed attention. "Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised--"
"What's the subject matter?" Clark asked suddenly, and Lana beamed as if Clark had just pulled off a particularly interesting trick.
"It's a romance," Lana said, and Lex blinked. Having a perfect memory, not to mention a certain unspoken interest in certain parallel situations in his own life, Lex remembered the book quite well.
"A romance?" Clark echoed, apparently finding a page of interest and coming to a stop. Maybe there was another book called Lolita that Lex didn't know about.
"Very. You know, older man, younger woman." Lana nodded firmly. "You'd probably like it."
So they *were* talking about the same book. Jesus.
"Oh." Clark leaned back in his chair, biting his lip idly, and Lex kept his gaze straight at the wall, peripheral vision easily able to pick up Clark's frown. "Can I borrow it when you're done?"
"I have my notes," Lana said, and motioned to the notebook. "Go ahead and read it. Tell me what you think. Maybe you can give me some insight into my essay."
An open invitation for alone-time with Lana. Clark jumped like a cat toward a dangling string, eyes wide as a deerhound, and my, Lex was into animal metaphors today. How cute. How depressingly cute.
He needed a drink. Badly.
"Thanks."
Lana smiled and opened her notebook to a random page, pulling it up to look over her--notes?
"I've always liked older men."
Like a rock dropped in the middle of a pond. From the corner of his eye, Lex caught Clark stiffen instantly in his seat, eyes wide and hurt. Kid couldn't hide an emotion if his life depended on it.
"You--do?" Carefully neutral, which for Clark was the equivalent to a scream of despair. Despite himself, Lex sighed. It always hurt to care about someone that didn't want you. But really, maybe this was for the best.
Maybe Lex wouldn't have to use Plan G. Which he still wasn't sure of, short of somehow persuading someone to persuade Whitney that he was the reincarnation of a random Lama and send him off to Tibet for intensive--meditation? Things. Whatever monks did.
"Yeah." The notebook was shut with a snap as Lana leaned forward, bracing a small elbow on the table with a strangely dreamy expression in her eyes. Lex darted a quick glance at Clark, whose gaze was fixed on Lana with almost painful intensity. "There's a lot to be said for experience, Clark."
That was just cruel, but searching Lana's face, Lex didn't pick up a trace of anything even vaguely in that line of thought. In point of fact--in point of fact, she seemed almost anticipatory. Searching Clark's face with a tiny frown, as if there was something there she needed to see. Whatever she was looking for, however, seemed to elude her, and Lex watched her lean back in her chair, a little frown creasing her forehead.
"Oh," Clark said softly, and looked down, fingering the book.
"Lana, I was looking for you everywhere."
Enter the boyfriend.
This was better than a bad comedy. Lex glanced up, caught a glimpse of naked jealousy written across Clark's face as Whitney stumbled into view, looking a little dazed and definitely--strange.
And Lex's instincts were muttering about coincidences, but he couldn't quite get around to listening.
"I thought you'd be with your friends, Whitney," Lana exclaimed, standing up in a single, graceful movement and reaching out to catch his hand, jerking him toward the table and, interestingly, away from Clark.
"I--uh--yeah." A pause, and Whitney looked around the table with an expression that approached furtive worry. "I--thought we could go see a movie." A movie? At nine on a school night? In Metropolis, yes. Smallville's last showing was at eight. Clark looked equally confused and opened his mouth to comment on it.
"A movie? You--finished what you were doing?" Lex tore his attention to Lana, who was staring at Whitney as if trying to pry more words out of him by sheer force. Whitney gave the table a strained look, then back to Lana.
"I--uh--finished that stuff. You know. With the--guys. It's all done. You--um, have any gum or--breathmints?" Whitney coughed and Lana drew back a little, nose wrinkled. There was a slightly familiar smell wafting his direction, but for the life of him, Lex couldn't identify it. "Umm--ready to go?"
Lana's smile was blinding. Even Lex was caught up in it. No one could do smiles like farmgirls. Or toothpaste commercials.
"In my purse. Okay, I gotta run." Flash on Clark and Lex both, enough so Lex leaned back in his chair, blinking a little. "Tell me what you think of the book, Clark!" And in record time, Lana was packed up and already moving toward the door, hand wrapped tightly around her boyfriend's arm. "Night!"
Both Lex and Clark watched the two disappear rapidly out the door.
"Do you get the feeling that Whitney was uncomfortable about something?" Clark asked, and Lex glanced over. Still traces of heartbroken dissatisfaction, but otherwise clearing, and he needed to remember to call those Tibetan monks in the morning. Otherwise, he was going to either suffer a mental breakdown or start playing golf. Neither sounded promising as future career moves.
"Yes," Lex answered slowly, turning his gaze back to the couple disappearing out the door. Then glanced down at his papers and sighed. "You need a ride home?"
Clark, still staring at the door, nodded mournfully and Lex sighed again, dropping money on the table and getting up. As they trudged outside, Clark stuck his hands into his pockets, kicking at a random stone.
"I don't know what she sees in him," Clark muttered. "So he's older, and more experienced, and--and a football player. And good looking, and popular and--okay, so I *do* see what she sees in him. Crap."
Profanity from Clark was just too cute for words, and Lex grinned as he pushed the alarm on his keychain.
"Don't worry so much. High school romances--they burn hot and die out fast. It's the way it is."
"Not with my luck." Clark sighed and crossed to the other side of the car. As Lex turned the key, he pushed his briefcase into the backseat.
"It's not marriage, I told you that."
"With my luck, they're going to end up getting married and being, like, perfectly happy for the rest of their lives."
That was almost a pleasant thought. Lex pulled out into the dark streets and considered the idea of listening to this for the next four years. Then attending Lana's wedding with Clark watching mournfully.
Therapy might be in order. For both of them at that point.
Ah, Smallville rural landscape. Fields. Cows. Clark, in the dark, pretty and perhaps in need of more educational opportunities. Maybe in the art of making out in the car.
Yes, this was a new low for Lex, but that was just fine, dammit.
The car made a strange noise and began to slow, and Lex watched in unconcealed shock as it ground to a quiet halt.
Refusing to even *consider* turning back on, and Clark, beside him, blinked a little, leaning over to look at the gauges. The scent of soap and clean boy was almost overwhelming and Lex resisted the urge to touch, contenting himself with a long, deep breath and the unsexiest thoughts he could manage.
Oddly enough, that was Lana's teeth. And it worked.
"Lex, you're out of gas."
"No I'm not." Because that was impossible. People filled his cars. He had *never* been in a car without gas.
"Yes, you are. See?" Clark moved from his line of sight and damned if he wasn't right. The little wand was set on empty.
"No. It--" Apparently was. Lex stared at the steering wheel for a few more seconds, then took a breath.
"Looks like we'll be walking," Clark said, frowning a little as Lex reached over, flicking the glove compartment open and letting the cell phone fall gracefully out. Hitting the power button, Lex shook his head.
"Just wait. I'll call--" Lex pushed in his phone number and noted that--well, nothing seemed to be happening. In point of fact...Lex lifted the phone up and flicked on the overhead light. No, it not only wasn't working, it was dead.
What the fuck....
"Your phone's out?" Clark took it from his hand, staring at the screen. "Wow. This is turning into the worst night--." Clark sighed, heavy and deep, and Lex refused to acknowledge that he was, in fact, stuck on a deserted road at night with Clark. Alone. Because that would be a Bad Idea.
Very bad.
"Come on," Lex finally said, sighing a little. "I'll call from your house."
"S'okay. Dad'll let me drive you home," Clark answered, getting out and pushing the door shut.
And until that moment, Lex hadn't really thought--
--how on earth did Clark get to Smallville without his truck?
Something to think about, at least, during what would be a damn long, cold walk.
The End